Monday, March 25, 2013

Snow is a Four-Letter Word

(This is what happens when Maudie, and friends, drink wine on snowy days.....)
 
 
SNOW...Sitting here on the page all alone, that word looks pretty harmless to Maudie.

But put it into the right kind of sentence and, for many people, it's one of the scariest four-letter words in the English language. Don't believe me? Try this little experiment the next time you're with a group of people.

Smile and say, "Snow is really pretty".

Most will agree with you.

Now try this; Smile and say, "I heard it's going to snow tonight."

You will now have the full attention of everyone around you. I promise.

Finally, smile and say, "They're calling for over a foot of snow tonight."

You won't have anyone's attention now. This will be due to the fact that everyone you were standing with is either running to their car or to the nearest TV to check out the weather radar.

That word is one of the most powerful words in the English language. It has the power to snarl traffic. It has the power to create long lines at gas station pumps. It has the power to cause women, who love pretty shoes, to don the most ugly boots and even uglier coats. It has the power to close schools and businesses.

It even has the power compell us to rush, like maniacs, to the nearest store, desperate to buy the three all-important, life-saving, items that MUST be stock-piled before we get snow....or the Zombie Appocolypse happens: Bread, Milk and Toilet Paper!

Maudie buys wine instead of the milk. I know.....shocker!

The groundhog forecast an eary Spring this year. Poor little creature. Maudie is in the process of searching for a nice, hearty groundhog stew recipe.



Please be safe out there in this nasty S$!@. That's snow in Maudie-speak.

With love dear readers,

Maudie

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Feast and Sit and You'll Get Fit?

I, the Maude-ster, am a busy person. I'm sure you are too. Time is a valuable commodity, so I always look for ways to simplify things and help me spend my free time (I think I have an hour of that coming up in Mid-July!). In other words, Maudie needs a miracle!

If I believed everything I read, time-saving, money-saving miracles are easily found. Every day I receive several "miracle offers" in my mailbox and my e-mail. If they're all bona fide miracles, they'd make life pretty easy.

One of my fav "miracle offers" states, "Double your paycheck without leaving your home."

Wowza! Maudie would love to double her paycheck! Who wouldn't? I haven't investigated this offer. It sounds really good, but I'm afraid it may involve some sort of indoor plant-growing for a Colombian drug cartel, gun-running, or a similar illegal work-at-home industry. I've decided to let this "miracle offer" pass me by. Call it a hunch, but I just don't think the offer's legit. Their web site, www.stolenarmybazookas4sale.com, was pretty interesting though......



Two more "miracle offers" that I recently reviewed said, "Get fit while you sit," and "Get a workout without getting out of your chair."

Now you're talkin Maudie's language! Don't those sound just peachy? I wouldn't have to drive to the gym and spend hours on the treadmill anymore. (I do that....in my mind I do that. Honest.).



 I could just drag my out of shape hinney to the car each morning, drive the two to four hours I spend in my daily work travels, and come home each day with a toned body that would make Dita Von Teese jealous. If you don't know who Dita is, just Google the gal. I doubt she got that body by driving back and forth from work.

But really readers, unless I'm going to be power-lifting my compact car while I sit in a chair, I just don't see how those offers can be serious.



Another neat sounding "miracle offer" claims, "Burn fat while eating anything you want!"

Jackpot! That one got my complete attention. I smiled as I imagined myself relaxing in a nice chair (getting fit, of course, while doing so), as I ate massive quantities of Hershey bars, Grandma Utz chips, and bakery goods that come from Maudie's lil ole downtown-hometown bakery. Could this offer be true? I'm not really going to try it. It sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. I can imagine myself eating and eating as I sit and sit.
Eat, eat....sit, sit.
Sit, sit....eat, eat.
Bloat, bloat....enlarge, enlarge.
Call the local volunteer fire department to bring over the jaws of life to extract Maudie from her chair!



Folks, the only time Maudie has truly ever burned fat while relaxing was last summer, as I sat, reading a lovely book, on my veranda, and forgot about the steaks burning on the grill.

Have you ever found a super silly "miracle offer" that claims to get you fit, thin, or rich? If you care to share with Maudie and her lovely readers that would be...well...lovely! (yes dears...all of my readers are lovely, handsome and smart as hell. It's a miracle offer from Maudie. You read my blog...and it just happens to ya!)

Have a happy Hump Day (Oh deary me. That always makes Maudie blush a bit, but she likes the sound of it anyway.) and also a happy first day of Spring. I think I'll celebrate with a wee bit of wine. Who would've guessed?




Love and kisses and wine corks to you all,

Maudie

Congrats Kathy MacDonald Stafford - You won the fan!

Maudie will be in touch to arrange getting your pretty new Springtime-lookin' fan to you!