Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Honesty of Small Children...Yikes!

Tomorrow's Easter and I'm looking forward to seeing family members who no longer live nearby. I can't wait to see my niece, K...who is now a married momma with three of the cutest little pre-school age boys you've ever seen! Love those little guys! You never know what they'll say next, but it's always amusing. Recently, the oldest boy told his brother that the Tooth Fairy had died.



This isn't really the Tooth Fairy. She's camera shy, so I posted this picture of LaQuita, who failed Tooth Fairy Academy.

You can always count on little kids to be blunt and to-the-point when it comes to their opinions on things. I like that. However, it does remind me of a time, long ago, when K was just a tiny little girl. I used to "borrow" K, back before I had children of my own. I'd take her to Disney movies, shopping and lunch and then give her back to her mother when she got cranky. It was GREAT!

Anyway....one such day, K and I were enjoying a wonderful day of fun together. She was dressed in a cute little dress, all ruffles and bows, and had ribbons tied in her pretty blonde hair.


That's not really a picture of K. I don't have one on my computer at the moment, so Shirley Temple will have to stand in.

Everywhere I went with K, that day, people commented on how pretty and sweet this little angel of a child was! I was sooooo proud!
K and I decided to have lunch at a very nice restaurant. It was lunch-hour on a weekday, so the place was packed. We were seated next to a table of attractive ladies dressed in business suits. Most of them were weaing high-heels.


K noticed this.

"Aunt Maudie, look at those shoes," she said.
"I see them," I replied.
"But Aunt Maudie, look at those shoes!, she said again.
"Yes honey. I see," I muttered as I looked over the menu selections.
"But Aunt Maudie. Look at THAT lady's shoes! That one right there!, K loudly insisted.
I glanced up to see K was franticly pointing at one of the women's feet. She had a very serious look on her face.

*again...not really K, but ...well...too bad!
The woman, who seemed to have the most fascinating shoes in the world, was smiling at K. All of the women at the table were smiling.
"Oh, isn't she adorable? What an angel," said the lady with the fascinating shoes to her lunch friends.

K was still pointing at the woman's feet and said, even more loudly, "Those shoes! Those shoes! Look Aunt Maudie!"
What I did next was REALLY stupid! I wasn't a Mom yet and didn't know how damned honest, open and LOUD a little kid could be.


I looked at K and said, "I see the nice lady's shoes honey. Those are really pretty shoes, aren't they?"
Hell, I really didnt' want, or expect a four-year-old's honest opinion on footwear. But that's what I got!

K looked at me, turned to face that table full of business women and laughingly announced in a voice loud enough to be heard in Germany, "Oh no Aunt Maudie. Those are the dumbest shoes I've ever seen!"

"Why is that lady wearing those shoes? Doesn't she know they're funny shoes?"


"They make her feet look really big too. She must have giant feet! Those are the biggest feet I've ever seen!"

"Those feet are bigger than my Daddy's feet!"

Dear Lord....the child wouldn't shut up about those damned shoes! I was about to soil my pants! (Maudie has decided not to use the "S" word in her blog. Use your imagination people. Do I have to do everything here? I mean...you know!)
I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to stop K!
"Why does that lady have big clown feet and funny clown shoes?" She was on a freakin' roll!


I really don't remember what happened next.
I honestly don't.
I think I passed out.
Or maybe I was knocked unconscious by a sharp blow to the head, caused by a large, ugly clown high heel?

So, tomorrow, I'll see my sweet K and her family. I'll remind her of this story. She will be sure to not recall it. Kids have the gift of not having to recall all sorts of stupid crap they do when they're little. I, however, will never forget it.


David ....yummy!
And that's a pic of David Beckham. He has nothing to do with this story.
He has nothing to do with my blog.
 He has nothing to do with Easter. Maudie just wanted to put his picture on here and look at it.
Yippie for Maudie!

Happy Easter everyone!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

This is NOT The Family Room!

I spent a fun evening, the other night, with a great group of my gal-pals! So much fun was had, that I'll have to do another post on it sometime soon. The conversation I had with one of my friends, inspired today's writing...so here goes...

Everyone knows what they'd wish for in a perfect dream house. My wish would be for a hidden bathroom with a location known only to me where I could have complete privacy.





You think I'm aiming too low in wishing for a bathroom?
Ha!
I have kids, 3 cats and a cell phone.

It was worse when the kids were younger. I couldn't find a time, back then, when I wasn't disturbed, while in the bathroom! I told the kids that the bathroom is a place where we all have to have moments of "privacy." Back then, it somehow failed to sink into their high IQ brains when it came to MY privacy!
I used to get visits from my little princess when I took showers. I eventually got used to her "visits." Once, long ago, while I was shaving my legs in the shower, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a shadow creep over the surface of the shower curtain.



"Who is it? I said loudly.
The shadow didn't answer me. Nearer and nearer it came, slowly advancing on poor, defenseless me.
"WHO'S IN HERE?" I yelled a bit louder.
Still no comment from the threatening shadow!
At this point, what was on my mind?
Well sure......NORMAN BATES WAS ON MY MIND!!!!!
Who hasn't had a disturbing thought of that guy at least once while taking a shower?




The Norman Bates-like shadow was just on the other side of the shower curtain. I grabbed the only weapon I could find....my value-sized, big ass bottle of shampoo. I held it high, ready to club Norman before he could stab me!
The curtain was pulled open with a WOOSH!
I screamed! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.



There stood my princess, screaming back at me in terror. Then she began to cry. I'd scared the hell out of her. Bad Momma!
And, she'd only wanted to show me how she'd given her new Barbie doll a nice crew cut.





Do I still get uneasy when I see a shadow on the shower curtain? You bet your soap-on-a-rope I do! It's the reason I didn't have perfectly shaved legs until I finally tossed the designer shower curtain and bought a clear one!
Even now, with a clear glass shower...I still peek out, every now and then, watching for some nutcase Norman. Thankfully, the only visitor I have now, is one of the cats. He hears me singing in the shower and comes to see if the sound is one of the other cats, being tortured.


Ah well...time to shower!
I'll continue my thoughts on bathroom privacy (what a hell of a topic. But Maudie doesn't shy away from such things!) another time.





Until then.....keep clean and watch your back! Wash your back too please.

Love and hugs,
Maudie

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pandora's Mailbox

Ever since I was old enough to know what getting mail was all about, I've loved it. And I mean the old-fashioned, U.S. Postal Service, printed on paper type mail. Opening the mailbox is like opening a present. Sometimes you get something wonderful. Sometimes you get junk you wish you could return.




My first memory of receiving mail was getting the birthday cards from my aunt and uncle.




 They sent me money in those. CASH! That probably set me up to anticipate the mail delivery eveyr day. No one send me cash now though. Damn!
I received toys in the mail from sending in cereal box-tops, sea monkeys that I bought for a dollar and itching powder that I never quite got the courage to use on my pesky younger brother. Getting mail was fun then!





It's not as much fun now. Now I get things called bills and stuff called "junk mail." I'm sure there's an enchanted forest somewhere that's been leveled just to make the paper for the junk mail I get. I can almost hear the 7 dwarfs crying.





Not a day goes by that I don't get at least one credit card offer in the mail. These people check your credit, right? They know your income, right? So do they have me confused with Mrs. Bill Gates, or what? I recently received na offer of a credit line "up to $250,000."




Oh Goodie!!!!

Now I can have an in-ground pool put in the yard, buy a few more cars and still be able to hire a cabana boy, named Ramon, to sunblock my back. The same offer said I'd also get "concierge service" with their credit card. Hmmm. Isn't a "concierge" a guy who stnads outside a hohtel or apartment building and calls a taxi for you? I looked up "concierge" in the dictionary and here's what it said:

"An attendant at the entrance of a building who observes those entering and leaving, handles mail, and acts as a janitor."



So, it appears this credit card is going to send over some guy to stand outside my home, get my mail and scoop out the cat's litter pan too? Man, what a deal! I wonder if he cleans windows too?

Over the past few weeks I've gotten offers in the mail for all sorts of free items. Companies want to sendme free boooks, magazines, CDs, recipes and even a free pattern collection for crocheted Barbie gowns.

Now there's a not item! Geesh.

Had they included some free Ken crocheted ensembles, I may have sent them an order.



Uh huh......

I won't write about all the mail I get that is actually my bills. I almost start to cry whenever I think about those. I can't write about those without having a paramedic standing by. Blah.

Happy Wednesday everyone. May you all find a nice surprise in your mail today.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Bada Bing, Bada Boom Baby!

Hey dare. How ya doin'? Yo?

I'm sittin' here lookin' at the 1/2 ton of wine corks I've been savin', and let me tell you, my friends and I have had ALOT of fun aquiring that 1/2 ton!
I've seen some really creative things to make out of these things, so I think a large-scale, framed, artistic ....."something"...will be in the works this weekend.


I need to use all of these up, so we can begin the collection process again.

Yippie! Drinking the wine is a fun, and important part of being a wine cork collector.

I mean....waddya gonna' do?
So, why am I talkin' N'Italian like a New Yawka?

It's because of this:

One of the "Spring things" I look forward to are all the weekend festivals you can find to attend. I love browsing all the creations, having food that you don't normally make at home (who REALLY makes funnel cakes at home? Not this chick!), and just getting out of town to have some fun.

One such event, I've just found out about is this one:



Badabing Badaboom Baby!

Not only does it sound like fun...but it's in Richmond, which happens to be one of my favorite places to visit. I also like the way this event's being promoted. I mean...you just have to love a group of crafters and artists who call themselves the Richmond Craft Mafia.

Yo. You know. I mean, it's got attitude. And Miss Maudie likes attitude! Ba Da Bing!

Also...it's free Baby....FREE to attend!

Miss Maudie likes FREE! Ba Da Boom!

So, thought I'd share the info and link for the Mafia (crafty one).
Don't fuhgeddaboutit Baby!

Now back to the corks....

Friday, April 1, 2011

So I'll just sit right here and have another beer in Mexico

I just talked with a friend in Texas who had planned to travel to Mexico to attend another friend's wedding. Um, she didn't quite make it there. Let's just say, passports are important! She couldn't get on the plane, her boyfriend insisted on also not getting on the plane, but since HE had an UPDATED passport, she convinced him to go without her. Poor baby!

She said she really wanted him to go. She wanted one of them to be there for their friend's wedding. And, she said she felt good knowing that he, at least, was able to sit on a beach, sipping a cold Corona.

I told her she was full of.....
I think you know what.   ;-)






Her sad experience at the airport reminded me of a similar thing that happened to none other than me!

About 6 years ago, I had finally saved enough to take my two kids to Cancun for a week at a gorgeous all-inclusive resort. Being a single mom, that was the only damned way I could get a vacation myself! One child was just entering high school, and the other was in middle-school. They were super exicited about this trip, let me tell ya! And I was super excited to get there and lay claim on a chaise lounge chair by the swim-up bar, located in one of the 6 resort pools! Yeehaw Momma!

At that time, kids didnt' need passports to get into Mexico, just their birth certificates. My passport had expired, but one of the local yokels here assured me that I'd be fine with just my driver's license and birth certificate. Shame on me for trusting someone who doesn't really seem to travel much themself.

Since Maudie lives in a very pretty little mountain town with no big airport, we had to drive the 2 1/2 hours from our home to the airport in Baltimore. We were excited. We were happy. We had a VERY early morning flight, so we got to the airport the night before, and stayed at a nice airport hotel. It was great.

But here's where the story turns into a drama!!!!!





Similar to my friend's airport nightmare, when I arrived to check in our luggage and get our boarding passes, they wouldn't let me on the plane! And I have to say, when they told me this, for just a second or two, I waited for them to laugh and say, "Ha Ha. Fooled you! Have a nice trip." But they never smiled. Dammit!

 Obviously the know-it-all who had told me it was fine to just show them my birth certificate didn't quite KNOW IT ALL.

 There was no way I couldn't get on that stinkin plane. I could see the kids' eyes begin to fill with tears. And, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack! I was in a very real panic! My 8-hour deodorant was in danger of only lasting 30 minutes!

The airport folks felt sorry for me, so they kept giving me some helpful suggestions, such as, "You can drive home, get your other documentation, and catch a later flight." Good God, our all-inclusive room was waiting for us NOW! My poolside chair was waiting for me NOW! All that cold Corona was waiting for me NOW!

Finally, one of the nice airport ladies (And they really were nice. They were just doing their jobs. Hell, I guess I COULD have been a terrorist. Yep, traveling with two teenaged kids who were about to cry/kill me...you can choose one of those options....and who was sweating like a pig and about to faint. Yep, I'm sure terrorists try that ploy to get on planes all the time). Um, where was I? Oh yeah...one of the nice airport ladies told me that if I had my voter's registration card with me, that would get me on the plane to Mexico.




Now who the hell knows where they keep their voter's registration card anyway? I knew I had one, somewhere, at some point in life, but if someone would've told me I was going to be thrown into a firey pit unless I produced that stinkin card, I'd be a crispy critter. I looked at the nice lady and just wanted to break into a fit of laughter. Crazy, wild laughter that would've sounded like I needed a straight-jacket and some medication!
But... just like a drowning person, reaching for anything that floats, I began to dig around in my wallet and in my checkbook (and why I even had my checkbook with me for this trip is something I can't explain).

 Finally, I grabbed a tiny stack of unknow crap that was tucked behind the check register thingy in my checkbook. It consisted of an old unused band-aid, an ancient stick of Doublemint gum...and MY FREAKIN VOTERS REGISTRATION CARD!




So...
We got on the plane and headed to Cancun!
Now. That COULD be the end of the story. HOWEVER......

once we got there, much more, funny and strange crap happened to us throughout the week. But that's for another blog post sometime. Stay tuned!
;-)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Nice Event This Weekend. Be there, or be somewhere less fun.

Need more info?

Drop Maudie a note!

It's for a great cause, you get to golf (or in my case, try to hit the ball and find it again), and you can ride around in a golf cart and have beverages!
Come on. You KNOW you'll spend more than $50 doing something, this weekend, that won't be as much fun!
Come out to CCC and have fun!

It's a Four-Letter Word!

So, it's officially Spring, and I awake to snow flakes in the air, the furnace running (oh goodie, Maudie LOVES to pay the heating bill!), and a foggy dreary day. Snow? Really? Come one Mother Nature! Don't make me call you what I'd like to call you today! ;-)

This crappy weather makes me think of something I heard the other evening.

While having dinner, recently, at a local restaurant, I overheard part of a conversation taking place among several people seated at the table next to mine. I honestly wasn't trying to listen in. Honest! I wouldn't have paid any attention to what they were saying, at all, except for the fact that they kept saying a certain four-letter-word!

Over and over, that word kept popping up in their conversation, and over and over I kept cringing and wishing they'd just stop saying it! I wanted to scream at them, "For the love of potato chips (and Maudie loves her potato chips!), would you stop saying that word? You're making me sick!"

You know what four-letter-word I'm referring to, don't you?

Dare I print it here?

Aw shoot, why not!

S-N-O-W!



Sitting here on the blog, all alone, that word looks pretty harmless, doesn't it?  But put it into the right kind of sentence and, for many of us, it's one of the nastiest four-letter-words in the English language. Don't believe me? Then try this little experiment the next time you're with a group of people.
Smile, and say, I think snow is really pretty."
Wait for the reaction.
Then....try this:
Smile the very same way and say, "I heard it's going to snow here tonight."
You will now have everyone's full attention. I guarantee it!
Finally, smile the very same way and say, "They're calling for a foot of snow tonight."
You won't have anyone's attention now. That'll be due to the fact that everyone you were talking to is either running for their car or to the nearest TV to check out the Weather Channel.



S-N-O-W!

That four-letter-word is also one of the most powerful words in the English language.
It has the power to snarl traffic, as folks try to get home before they see snow. It has the pwer to create long lines at gas station pumps. It has the power to cause women, who love to wear pretty shoes, to don truly ugly boots and even uglier coats...just to cope with snow. It has the power to close schools, slow business and create chaos! It has the power to make us watch the Weather Channel.....all day!

That four-letter-word even has the incredible power to compel us to rush, like maniacs, to the nearest store, desperate to buy the three all-important, life-saving items that must be stock-piled in everyone's home before we get snow:
bread, milk and toilet paper!
Miss Maudie also adds wine to that life-sustaining list folks!

Even if you don't need bread, milk or toilet paper, when you hear that four-letter-word, like lemmings following each other into the sea, we rush to buy more...."just in case."

S-N-O-W!

It's a four-letter-word tht I don't mind hearing if I can stay safe and snug inside my home and have lots of baking supplies....along with enough milk, bread and that all-important toilet paper to sustain the entire neighborhood for a week! It's a word that makes me crave a bowl of chili.

S-N-O-W!

It's a four-letter-word that brings joy and happiness to children. They love to hear that word. It means the possibility of a day off from school. It causes them to converge on treeless hillsides with sleds. It gives birth to battles and skirmishes fought by giggling troops, armed with harmless ammunition that will, eventually, melt away. It makes them run around outside trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues. It allows them to spend special hours making fun snowmen with their parents!



S-N-O-W!

Hmm....maybe kids have the right idea about that four-letter-word!

S-N-O-W!

Maybe the next time we hear it mentioned, we can take a cue from kids and think about all the things we like about it?
Maybe I'll take a turn or two on a sled?
Maybe I'll join in a snowball battle?
Maybe I'll run around in a parking lot, trying to catch a snowflake on my tongue?
Um....maybe not!
I just imagined a parking lot full of adults, all trying to do that.

I think I'll just be content with a long walk in the evening snow, a hot bowl of chili, a snuggle by a cracking fire with a good book, a glass of wine, ...and the comforting knowlege that I have a closet full of toilet paper.   ;-)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

If you make it, we will drink it....

Over the past few years, I've developed an addiction to watching "The Real Housewives of _______(fill in the blank)." There are so many versions of the original, "Real Housewives of Orange County" that it's hard to keep track of them. I like them for many reasons: the dames all seem to shop all the time, party all the time, eat lunch out all the time, wear designer clothing and jewels, drive fancy cars and live in fancy homes. My God, I should hate them!!!!!

But I love watching them and I believe it's because I get to see all the pretty stuff they have surrounding them, but I also get to see the not-so-pretty stuff surrounding them. Without going into detail, if you want to see a cat-fight, these shows are for you!

My all-time favorite "Housewife" was a single dame named Bethenny. Bethenny had the habit of saying exactly what was on her mind, and, to me, her mind seemed like one of the more stable minds in Housewife tv land. Bethenny has since married, had a baby girl and has built somewhat of an empire from creating something called the Skinny Girl Margarita. It's a cocktail that has fewer calories than a regular margarita. So, you can drink them and stick to your diet....or you can drink twice as many of them as you would regular margaritas..and stay fat.  ;-)

Today, Bethenny sent out a message to her faithful fans. She wanted us to know that she's sold the Skinny Girl company...her company...to a huge liquor manufacturer. She wanted to let her followers know that she will still have a hand in the quality control, recipe and flavor creations, etc. She wanted us to know that her Skinny Girl brand of cocktails wouldn't turn into something crappy.

She really didn't need to worry. If the stuff is good.....I'm going to buy it and enjoy it, no matter who's making it. I mean, it could truly be made in a hollow tree by elves. Oh wait....that's where my fav cookies come from.
Bottom line is: I appreciate her concern about her loyal fans and customers, but just keep the yummy stuff brewing, bottling and on the shelves, and we'll all be happy and sappy.

Signed,
Someone who has bought a cocktail that looked like this:

It was gooooooooooooooood! And blue.........

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Blogging my thoughts. Yikes! Here I go!

For someone like me, who thinks writing is as essential as oxygen, water, food and damned cute shoes that don't hurt your feet, this First Post of my very own Blog is a rather big deal.

My first post on my first blog. Wow!



Now I can't help but think of other important "firsts" and of how, as long as you live, and no matter how old you are, you will always be experiencing "firsts."

First step, first word, first tooth, first day of school, first bike, first friend, first pet, first love, first kiss, first heartbreak, first car, first job, first child (Yeah, I skipped first marriage. Don't even ask!), first home, first mortgage (blah!), first promotion, first divorce (I told you not to ask!), first son, first daughter, first child to go to college, first time you live alone, first death of a family member, first time you question if you're truly living your life to the fullest, first step to do just that, and, finally, first blog.

That is a very condensed list of my own personal "firsts" and the path that has lead me to this blog and this post.

I decided to leave out a number of "firsts," such as first grey hair, first pair of bifocals, first time you realize you can't do your old cheerleader moves anymore without fear of being in a body-cast for several months, first time someone tells you that you look good for your age, etc.

I also left out something that usually comes somewhere between first love and first heartbreak. It could happen after first date (if you're an idiot!) or after first marriage, but could also happen after first car (again, if so, you're an idiot!). It's one of the BIG "firsts" for many people. Use your imagination, for cripe sakes!
I don't happen to think that particular "first" is such a big deal. No pun intended. Honest! ;-)

This blog is my way of keeping my creative writing muse happy. It's also here to make me happy, since writing is such a joy to me. That seems like a pretty selfish reason to create a blog, but, hey, I'm being honest.

If you're here, and you've read this far without banging your forehead on your keyboard, then keep reading! Take a gander at all my blog posts. You may find them amusing (I hope so!), and if, by reading them, you find yourself smiling, then that's a good thing!
(I really like to use exclaimation marks a lot. Can you tell?)

Please feel free to send me a communication via my homepage. I'd love to hear from you. Unless, of course, you are truly some nut-job.....
If you are, please log out of this page and go find some bugs to eat or something. :-P

I think I just had my first blog gross-out moment!
I love firsts! I love to write! I love my blog! I love my exclaimation mark key!!!!!!

I get some Spam good email sometimes!

Do you have spam? No, I don't mean the ham-like mystery meat substance in a can. I  mean the Internet equivalent of junk-mail, Spam email. I guess it's something I have to deal with, since I happen to loooove the Internet. Some of the spam is actually pretty funny.

Some nice people want to tell me how to make thousands of dollars a week while doing nothing more than sitting here at my little laptop computer. Hey, I could get into sitting on my arse all day in my PJ's, drinking gallons of coffee...all while becoming a rich woman!

One of my favorite spam emails informed me that I can make money with my computer while I sleep! I plan to switch to this job after I die. My kids can sign me up and collect the checks. I'll be really good at this job. I'll always be there on time, never late, and will never quit!

Sometimes I get email offering products designed to increase the size of a specific "apendage". I've really examined things, and I don't seem to have one of those. If that product can really increase the size of a body-part, maybe the sender should use it on their brain.

I used to get regular emails from a place called "Crushmaster." The emails always said, "Guess what! Someone has a crush on you. Click to get hints on who it is."

Just what I need. A secret admirer sending email about the "crush" they have on me. Honestly, I'd rather not know who it is! If I really thought George Clooney spent his spare time on the Internet, I might check out Crushmaster. However, with my luck, Hannibal Lector lives and has email access, noticed me and frequents Crushmaster.

I once got an email suposedly sent by someone named Heather. She wrote to inform me that she's a very pretty college student with a "totally hot" body. She wanted to tell me that she and her friends in the dorm (who also had "totally hot" bodies) were bored and lonely, so they installed cameras in their rooms so folks on the Internet could, for a fee, watch them traipse around their dorm rooms. Heather also stated that the fee would help them pay their college tuition.

I think the site was named www. bored.co-ed.moron-idiots.com.

Call me cynical, but I don't think Heather's a college co-ed. I don't think Heather and her pals got tired of knitting socks for the needy and volunteering to promote literacy and suddenly decided to install web-cams in their rooms. And, I don't think the money was going to be used for college tuition!

Rather than try to figure out the workings of Heather's brain (and I'm probably stretching it to think she has a brain), I decided to reply to her e-mail. My note went like this:

Dear Heather,

Thanks so much for your email. I'm sorry you and your hotter than hot pals are bored. I, too, was once a college co-ed with a smokin' hot body, but I wasn't ever bored. I didn't have time to be bored. So, Heather, I'm going to share my secret to not being bored in college.

There's something called ....studying! You may have heard of it. It involves books. You know, Heather, Books are those things made up of sheets and sheets of paper printed with words! You have to read those things Heather. They're totally "hot!"

You can find books at a place called a library. It's a big building full of those printed paper book things Heather! It's totally "hot!" You can find it. I know you can. Any gal smart enough to use the Internet to allow sicko strangers to peek at her "posterior" can certainly find a library. It's so "hot!"

I'm sorry I don't want to visit your website to peek at you and your dorm pals. I hope you'll understand. I just can't justify spending money to see your taa taas and rear portions when I can just strip down and look in a mirror. And Heather, to be honest, I'd bet mine are better looking. Have two ten-pound babies and turn 50 and see what happens to your body Heather. Honestly, it may not be half as"hot"as mine is, by then. Drop  the carbs, hit the gym and pray.

Heather, bless your little heart for worrying about me being bored. I just don't have time to be bored Heather. I'm a non-bored single working mother. When I'm not working, I'm busy cleaning, doing laundry and being a "hot" mom to two kids. It's so freakin hot Heather!!!!!

I have a lot of friends who are also non-bored single working mothers too! They're all "hot." It's like.....hot Heather!

In fact, we've decided to take a cue from you and your pals. So, Heather, if you'd like to watch us traipse around our homes in front of a web-cam, check out our site; www. hey-mom.where.are.my.socks.and.the-stoves.on-fire.com. It's "hot!"

For a small monthly fee, you can watch us hot mommas do things that will really interest you! Sometimes we have to deal with a sick kid and clean up vomit at 3 a.m., plunge a sink drain clogged with God knows what, or remove melted crayon from our new carpet.

You and your pals in the dorm will no longer be bored because you'll have hours of viewing enjoyment and also know that your fee has helped us pay for Swiffer wet-jet refills, bottles of Grey Goose Vodka, orthodontic bills, and, perhaps, a tummy tuck or two for mommy!

Anyway, thanks so much for sending email Heather. I'd love to write more to you, but one of the kids just puked on the cat, I think the drapes are on fire, and I have to remove some Spam from my laptop. Real Spam, Heather. My son just dropped his sandwich on the keyboard.

Do you like Spam Heather

ACTIONS ARE LOUDER THAN BIRDS!

Spring is almost here and while spending more time outside, I've noticed a lot more birds in my yard. I love to watch them fly and flit around and I take great pleasure in noticing the different varieties of feathered friends that stop to chug-a-lug some water from my garden birdbath or to occassionally drop "birdy gifts" on my nice, clean car.

I've been educating myself about different birds, but in my usual way, I've noticed some strange similarities between the names of some birds and the habits of some humans!

COMMON LOON

As the name says, these are quite common! You see them everywhere. They're far more calm, social and fun-loving when they're young and their habits at that stage of life involve flying all over the place, and eating and drinking. This breed isn't referred to as LOON until they mate, breed and have their young. After becoming parents, Loons are far less social, don't move around much, spend most of their time working to care for their young and clean their nests. Mature Loons do, however, seem to greatly increase their eating and drinking.

NUTHATCH

Although the Nuthatch is, indeed, a type of bird, it doesn't compare to a human. However, Loons with teenagers are usually one step away from the nuthatch!

MASKED BOOBY

One of these recently got a lot of press when he robbed a bank. I recall that this particular Masked Booby was wearing a cap with the logo of his work-place on the front of it. He was also sporting a nice pair of work coveralls that featured his full name embroidered on the front patch. Those Boobys....they sure are silly!

AUK

These can be found gathered at any all-you-can-eat buffet and are named for the sound they make after feeding: "Auk!"

WHITE COLLARED SEEDEATER

This bird tends to be quiet and will shy away from groups. Continuously dieting on sprouts, granola and seeds, they like to listen to the music of Enya, John Tesh, Yanni and Georgian Chants.

SWIFT

Flocks of these can be found on any interstate highway.

CREEPER

If you have one of these roosting in your neighborhood, invest in some good window shades, motion-activated lighting and a high fence. A large dog that barks at strangers may also come in handy.

KINGFISHER

 This variety is not originally named Kingfisher, but is elected to government office and then may be called a Kingfisher. Kingfishers are known to have the ability to sing loudly for long periods of time without taking a breath.

BULBUL

We all turn into one of these from time to time, usually immediatelly after listening to any political speech given by a Kingfisher. "That's a lot of Bulbul!"

CHICKADEE

This variety is always young, female and cute as can be. They chirp and flit from place to place. Chickadees are unique in one particular habit. One of them can't travel to the bathroom alone. They always have to go in multiples. Chickadees can also be found flocking around clothing sales, hair salons, and shoe stores. They like to take their prospective mates to gaze into the showcases at jewelry stores.

GRAY CATBIRD

This bird is the oldest variety of the Chickadee. They are feisty, funny, and can get away with being outspoken and onery. Their off-beat antics are referred to as being eccentric. This is what I hope to be when I'm an old dame.

AMERICAN COOT

The male version of the Gray Catbird, this variety likes to talk, talk, talk and is very opinionated. It also loves to chirp about how, in it's youth, it had to walk to school in mile upon mile of deep snow.

LIMPKIN

This breed is slowly declining in population. There aren't as many of these around, thanks to Viagra!

WANDERING TATTLER

When I was a kid, we had one of these in our neighborhood. This breed is not popular with others but insists on following them around and closely watching and reporting on their every move. Wandering Tattlers tend to get beaten up alot!

BROAD-TAILED HUMMINGBIRD

I think I was behind one of these while in the check-out line at the grocery store last week. She was humming "La Vida Loca" and buying ice cream, chips and several tabloid newspapers.

NASHVILLE WARBLER

A popular breed that comes in all shapes and sizes. Warblers can be referred to as Reba, Garth, Dolly, Loretta, or my particular favorite, Mr. George Strait. Love that Warbler!

WAGTAIL

This female comes in all shapes and sizes and is usually brightly colored. Wagtails can be identified by their distinctive walk, which I tried to duplicate once, but injured my back. Where you find a Wagtail, you will also find a few Vultures watching her every move.

I could write more about how we compare with our feathered friends, but I have to fly to lunch now where I'll eat like a bird. Later, I'll wing back to my nest, roost on the sofa and crow about my day. Only a Dodo bird wouldn't enjoy that!

Ladies and gentlemen...introducing your hostess:

A fiesty lady, writing and rambling about the funny and fashionable things in life. That's me!



 Who am I? Where am I? Where did I come from? How did I end up here?

You may want answers to those questions. I'd want answers to them, if I were you. I ask myself those very questions at least once a day, and sometimes two or three times a day if I'm having a Friday evening cocktail.
I'd also like the answser to, "Where do the mates to most socks go after we put them in the washing machine!"

Ah, but I'm rambling, and you've been warned of that habit of mine......so read on. Behold the answers (but not to the sock question)!

I was born on an ungodly hot July day, just a few hours after my dear, sweet mother (who seriously planned to name me Judy Judy) decided to eat a sandwich consisting of Limburger cheese and a huge slice of Vidalia onion(even at pre-birth, I knew how to find the emergency exit!). Because of that initial introduction to life, I believe I've been blessed with the ability (yes, you can call it a super power if you're into that sort of thing. I don't do capes though) to see the humor in everything that life hands me to "digest."

I grew up (some would dispute that I have grown up) in the beautiful mountains of Western Maryland, and I make my home there today. It's quiet, pleasant, rural and just close enough to large cities to keep a continuous credit card balance.

My career path began in retail fashion, moved on to journalism, and has now taken a side street named Sales Management that intersects Fashion and Cosmetics Boulevard. I still write quite a bit. It's just not published on a daily basis anymore. Boo Hoo! Ah, but Blogs are magical and nice...so I'm happy again!

Two children call me "Mom," and that's the best thing in the world! They keep me moving, and thinking and working to pay for all the crap that goes along with parenting! Oh, what else would I spend my money on? Botox? Trips to the Riviera? A  pool boy named Antonio?

Um, the answer would be a big old "YES" to all of those. But, I love my kids more than anything. They are my universe...and beyond.  ;-) 

Need more information about me? Well, I love vintage, old-fashioned things. You name it: decor, fashion, movies...I love it all! I love being creative. I love to knit and have a yarn-stash that threatens to take over the cottage. I try to play golf, mainly just so I can buy more super-cute golf outfits. I try to be a good cook, just so I can eat yummy things. I'm outgoing and chatty so I can hear the views and stories of other people. I work hard and believe that you should reward yourself once in awhile when you do. Therefore, I shop to reward myself! Fashion is my passion, and I also love make up, hairstyles and all things "girlie." I love to laugh because crying makes my eyes look ugly and I get all snotty too. I have family and friends who I treasure. Life is all about relationships and experiences because, sad as it is, the reality is when you leave this life, you don't take any of your cute shoes with you on the journey. You leave them behind, they go to Goodwill, and the only meaningful mark you make on this world is with the people you leave behind and the memories you make with them.

So now that you're here, why not look around? Check out my Blog page. It's the adventures of a single, middle-aged, creative mother who likes to see the funny side of life. You may read something there that makes you smile, shake your head and think. If you read something there that makes you nauseous, I don't want to know...o.k?