Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I get some Spam good email sometimes!

Do you have spam? No, I don't mean the ham-like mystery meat substance in a can. I  mean the Internet equivalent of junk-mail, Spam email. I guess it's something I have to deal with, since I happen to loooove the Internet. Some of the spam is actually pretty funny.

Some nice people want to tell me how to make thousands of dollars a week while doing nothing more than sitting here at my little laptop computer. Hey, I could get into sitting on my arse all day in my PJ's, drinking gallons of coffee...all while becoming a rich woman!

One of my favorite spam emails informed me that I can make money with my computer while I sleep! I plan to switch to this job after I die. My kids can sign me up and collect the checks. I'll be really good at this job. I'll always be there on time, never late, and will never quit!

Sometimes I get email offering products designed to increase the size of a specific "apendage". I've really examined things, and I don't seem to have one of those. If that product can really increase the size of a body-part, maybe the sender should use it on their brain.

I used to get regular emails from a place called "Crushmaster." The emails always said, "Guess what! Someone has a crush on you. Click to get hints on who it is."

Just what I need. A secret admirer sending email about the "crush" they have on me. Honestly, I'd rather not know who it is! If I really thought George Clooney spent his spare time on the Internet, I might check out Crushmaster. However, with my luck, Hannibal Lector lives and has email access, noticed me and frequents Crushmaster.

I once got an email suposedly sent by someone named Heather. She wrote to inform me that she's a very pretty college student with a "totally hot" body. She wanted to tell me that she and her friends in the dorm (who also had "totally hot" bodies) were bored and lonely, so they installed cameras in their rooms so folks on the Internet could, for a fee, watch them traipse around their dorm rooms. Heather also stated that the fee would help them pay their college tuition.

I think the site was named www. bored.co-ed.moron-idiots.com.

Call me cynical, but I don't think Heather's a college co-ed. I don't think Heather and her pals got tired of knitting socks for the needy and volunteering to promote literacy and suddenly decided to install web-cams in their rooms. And, I don't think the money was going to be used for college tuition!

Rather than try to figure out the workings of Heather's brain (and I'm probably stretching it to think she has a brain), I decided to reply to her e-mail. My note went like this:

Dear Heather,

Thanks so much for your email. I'm sorry you and your hotter than hot pals are bored. I, too, was once a college co-ed with a smokin' hot body, but I wasn't ever bored. I didn't have time to be bored. So, Heather, I'm going to share my secret to not being bored in college.

There's something called ....studying! You may have heard of it. It involves books. You know, Heather, Books are those things made up of sheets and sheets of paper printed with words! You have to read those things Heather. They're totally "hot!"

You can find books at a place called a library. It's a big building full of those printed paper book things Heather! It's totally "hot!" You can find it. I know you can. Any gal smart enough to use the Internet to allow sicko strangers to peek at her "posterior" can certainly find a library. It's so "hot!"

I'm sorry I don't want to visit your website to peek at you and your dorm pals. I hope you'll understand. I just can't justify spending money to see your taa taas and rear portions when I can just strip down and look in a mirror. And Heather, to be honest, I'd bet mine are better looking. Have two ten-pound babies and turn 50 and see what happens to your body Heather. Honestly, it may not be half as"hot"as mine is, by then. Drop  the carbs, hit the gym and pray.

Heather, bless your little heart for worrying about me being bored. I just don't have time to be bored Heather. I'm a non-bored single working mother. When I'm not working, I'm busy cleaning, doing laundry and being a "hot" mom to two kids. It's so freakin hot Heather!!!!!

I have a lot of friends who are also non-bored single working mothers too! They're all "hot." It's like.....hot Heather!

In fact, we've decided to take a cue from you and your pals. So, Heather, if you'd like to watch us traipse around our homes in front of a web-cam, check out our site; www. hey-mom.where.are.my.socks.and.the-stoves.on-fire.com. It's "hot!"

For a small monthly fee, you can watch us hot mommas do things that will really interest you! Sometimes we have to deal with a sick kid and clean up vomit at 3 a.m., plunge a sink drain clogged with God knows what, or remove melted crayon from our new carpet.

You and your pals in the dorm will no longer be bored because you'll have hours of viewing enjoyment and also know that your fee has helped us pay for Swiffer wet-jet refills, bottles of Grey Goose Vodka, orthodontic bills, and, perhaps, a tummy tuck or two for mommy!

Anyway, thanks so much for sending email Heather. I'd love to write more to you, but one of the kids just puked on the cat, I think the drapes are on fire, and I have to remove some Spam from my laptop. Real Spam, Heather. My son just dropped his sandwich on the keyboard.

Do you like Spam Heather

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