Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Honesty of Small Children...Yikes!

Tomorrow's Easter and I'm looking forward to seeing family members who no longer live nearby. I can't wait to see my niece, K...who is now a married momma with three of the cutest little pre-school age boys you've ever seen! Love those little guys! You never know what they'll say next, but it's always amusing. Recently, the oldest boy told his brother that the Tooth Fairy had died.



This isn't really the Tooth Fairy. She's camera shy, so I posted this picture of LaQuita, who failed Tooth Fairy Academy.

You can always count on little kids to be blunt and to-the-point when it comes to their opinions on things. I like that. However, it does remind me of a time, long ago, when K was just a tiny little girl. I used to "borrow" K, back before I had children of my own. I'd take her to Disney movies, shopping and lunch and then give her back to her mother when she got cranky. It was GREAT!

Anyway....one such day, K and I were enjoying a wonderful day of fun together. She was dressed in a cute little dress, all ruffles and bows, and had ribbons tied in her pretty blonde hair.


That's not really a picture of K. I don't have one on my computer at the moment, so Shirley Temple will have to stand in.

Everywhere I went with K, that day, people commented on how pretty and sweet this little angel of a child was! I was sooooo proud!
K and I decided to have lunch at a very nice restaurant. It was lunch-hour on a weekday, so the place was packed. We were seated next to a table of attractive ladies dressed in business suits. Most of them were weaing high-heels.


K noticed this.

"Aunt Maudie, look at those shoes," she said.
"I see them," I replied.
"But Aunt Maudie, look at those shoes!, she said again.
"Yes honey. I see," I muttered as I looked over the menu selections.
"But Aunt Maudie. Look at THAT lady's shoes! That one right there!, K loudly insisted.
I glanced up to see K was franticly pointing at one of the women's feet. She had a very serious look on her face.

*again...not really K, but ...well...too bad!
The woman, who seemed to have the most fascinating shoes in the world, was smiling at K. All of the women at the table were smiling.
"Oh, isn't she adorable? What an angel," said the lady with the fascinating shoes to her lunch friends.

K was still pointing at the woman's feet and said, even more loudly, "Those shoes! Those shoes! Look Aunt Maudie!"
What I did next was REALLY stupid! I wasn't a Mom yet and didn't know how damned honest, open and LOUD a little kid could be.


I looked at K and said, "I see the nice lady's shoes honey. Those are really pretty shoes, aren't they?"
Hell, I really didnt' want, or expect a four-year-old's honest opinion on footwear. But that's what I got!

K looked at me, turned to face that table full of business women and laughingly announced in a voice loud enough to be heard in Germany, "Oh no Aunt Maudie. Those are the dumbest shoes I've ever seen!"

"Why is that lady wearing those shoes? Doesn't she know they're funny shoes?"


"They make her feet look really big too. She must have giant feet! Those are the biggest feet I've ever seen!"

"Those feet are bigger than my Daddy's feet!"

Dear Lord....the child wouldn't shut up about those damned shoes! I was about to soil my pants! (Maudie has decided not to use the "S" word in her blog. Use your imagination people. Do I have to do everything here? I mean...you know!)
I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to stop K!
"Why does that lady have big clown feet and funny clown shoes?" She was on a freakin' roll!


I really don't remember what happened next.
I honestly don't.
I think I passed out.
Or maybe I was knocked unconscious by a sharp blow to the head, caused by a large, ugly clown high heel?

So, tomorrow, I'll see my sweet K and her family. I'll remind her of this story. She will be sure to not recall it. Kids have the gift of not having to recall all sorts of stupid crap they do when they're little. I, however, will never forget it.


David ....yummy!
And that's a pic of David Beckham. He has nothing to do with this story.
He has nothing to do with my blog.
 He has nothing to do with Easter. Maudie just wanted to put his picture on here and look at it.
Yippie for Maudie!

Happy Easter everyone!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

This is NOT The Family Room!

I spent a fun evening, the other night, with a great group of my gal-pals! So much fun was had, that I'll have to do another post on it sometime soon. The conversation I had with one of my friends, inspired today's writing...so here goes...

Everyone knows what they'd wish for in a perfect dream house. My wish would be for a hidden bathroom with a location known only to me where I could have complete privacy.





You think I'm aiming too low in wishing for a bathroom?
Ha!
I have kids, 3 cats and a cell phone.

It was worse when the kids were younger. I couldn't find a time, back then, when I wasn't disturbed, while in the bathroom! I told the kids that the bathroom is a place where we all have to have moments of "privacy." Back then, it somehow failed to sink into their high IQ brains when it came to MY privacy!
I used to get visits from my little princess when I took showers. I eventually got used to her "visits." Once, long ago, while I was shaving my legs in the shower, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a shadow creep over the surface of the shower curtain.



"Who is it? I said loudly.
The shadow didn't answer me. Nearer and nearer it came, slowly advancing on poor, defenseless me.
"WHO'S IN HERE?" I yelled a bit louder.
Still no comment from the threatening shadow!
At this point, what was on my mind?
Well sure......NORMAN BATES WAS ON MY MIND!!!!!
Who hasn't had a disturbing thought of that guy at least once while taking a shower?




The Norman Bates-like shadow was just on the other side of the shower curtain. I grabbed the only weapon I could find....my value-sized, big ass bottle of shampoo. I held it high, ready to club Norman before he could stab me!
The curtain was pulled open with a WOOSH!
I screamed! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.



There stood my princess, screaming back at me in terror. Then she began to cry. I'd scared the hell out of her. Bad Momma!
And, she'd only wanted to show me how she'd given her new Barbie doll a nice crew cut.





Do I still get uneasy when I see a shadow on the shower curtain? You bet your soap-on-a-rope I do! It's the reason I didn't have perfectly shaved legs until I finally tossed the designer shower curtain and bought a clear one!
Even now, with a clear glass shower...I still peek out, every now and then, watching for some nutcase Norman. Thankfully, the only visitor I have now, is one of the cats. He hears me singing in the shower and comes to see if the sound is one of the other cats, being tortured.


Ah well...time to shower!
I'll continue my thoughts on bathroom privacy (what a hell of a topic. But Maudie doesn't shy away from such things!) another time.





Until then.....keep clean and watch your back! Wash your back too please.

Love and hugs,
Maudie

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pandora's Mailbox

Ever since I was old enough to know what getting mail was all about, I've loved it. And I mean the old-fashioned, U.S. Postal Service, printed on paper type mail. Opening the mailbox is like opening a present. Sometimes you get something wonderful. Sometimes you get junk you wish you could return.




My first memory of receiving mail was getting the birthday cards from my aunt and uncle.




 They sent me money in those. CASH! That probably set me up to anticipate the mail delivery eveyr day. No one send me cash now though. Damn!
I received toys in the mail from sending in cereal box-tops, sea monkeys that I bought for a dollar and itching powder that I never quite got the courage to use on my pesky younger brother. Getting mail was fun then!





It's not as much fun now. Now I get things called bills and stuff called "junk mail." I'm sure there's an enchanted forest somewhere that's been leveled just to make the paper for the junk mail I get. I can almost hear the 7 dwarfs crying.





Not a day goes by that I don't get at least one credit card offer in the mail. These people check your credit, right? They know your income, right? So do they have me confused with Mrs. Bill Gates, or what? I recently received na offer of a credit line "up to $250,000."




Oh Goodie!!!!

Now I can have an in-ground pool put in the yard, buy a few more cars and still be able to hire a cabana boy, named Ramon, to sunblock my back. The same offer said I'd also get "concierge service" with their credit card. Hmmm. Isn't a "concierge" a guy who stnads outside a hohtel or apartment building and calls a taxi for you? I looked up "concierge" in the dictionary and here's what it said:

"An attendant at the entrance of a building who observes those entering and leaving, handles mail, and acts as a janitor."



So, it appears this credit card is going to send over some guy to stand outside my home, get my mail and scoop out the cat's litter pan too? Man, what a deal! I wonder if he cleans windows too?

Over the past few weeks I've gotten offers in the mail for all sorts of free items. Companies want to sendme free boooks, magazines, CDs, recipes and even a free pattern collection for crocheted Barbie gowns.

Now there's a not item! Geesh.

Had they included some free Ken crocheted ensembles, I may have sent them an order.



Uh huh......

I won't write about all the mail I get that is actually my bills. I almost start to cry whenever I think about those. I can't write about those without having a paramedic standing by. Blah.

Happy Wednesday everyone. May you all find a nice surprise in your mail today.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Bada Bing, Bada Boom Baby!

Hey dare. How ya doin'? Yo?

I'm sittin' here lookin' at the 1/2 ton of wine corks I've been savin', and let me tell you, my friends and I have had ALOT of fun aquiring that 1/2 ton!
I've seen some really creative things to make out of these things, so I think a large-scale, framed, artistic ....."something"...will be in the works this weekend.


I need to use all of these up, so we can begin the collection process again.

Yippie! Drinking the wine is a fun, and important part of being a wine cork collector.

I mean....waddya gonna' do?
So, why am I talkin' N'Italian like a New Yawka?

It's because of this:

One of the "Spring things" I look forward to are all the weekend festivals you can find to attend. I love browsing all the creations, having food that you don't normally make at home (who REALLY makes funnel cakes at home? Not this chick!), and just getting out of town to have some fun.

One such event, I've just found out about is this one:



Badabing Badaboom Baby!

Not only does it sound like fun...but it's in Richmond, which happens to be one of my favorite places to visit. I also like the way this event's being promoted. I mean...you just have to love a group of crafters and artists who call themselves the Richmond Craft Mafia.

Yo. You know. I mean, it's got attitude. And Miss Maudie likes attitude! Ba Da Bing!

Also...it's free Baby....FREE to attend!

Miss Maudie likes FREE! Ba Da Boom!

So, thought I'd share the info and link for the Mafia (crafty one).
Don't fuhgeddaboutit Baby!

Now back to the corks....

Friday, April 1, 2011

So I'll just sit right here and have another beer in Mexico

I just talked with a friend in Texas who had planned to travel to Mexico to attend another friend's wedding. Um, she didn't quite make it there. Let's just say, passports are important! She couldn't get on the plane, her boyfriend insisted on also not getting on the plane, but since HE had an UPDATED passport, she convinced him to go without her. Poor baby!

She said she really wanted him to go. She wanted one of them to be there for their friend's wedding. And, she said she felt good knowing that he, at least, was able to sit on a beach, sipping a cold Corona.

I told her she was full of.....
I think you know what.   ;-)






Her sad experience at the airport reminded me of a similar thing that happened to none other than me!

About 6 years ago, I had finally saved enough to take my two kids to Cancun for a week at a gorgeous all-inclusive resort. Being a single mom, that was the only damned way I could get a vacation myself! One child was just entering high school, and the other was in middle-school. They were super exicited about this trip, let me tell ya! And I was super excited to get there and lay claim on a chaise lounge chair by the swim-up bar, located in one of the 6 resort pools! Yeehaw Momma!

At that time, kids didnt' need passports to get into Mexico, just their birth certificates. My passport had expired, but one of the local yokels here assured me that I'd be fine with just my driver's license and birth certificate. Shame on me for trusting someone who doesn't really seem to travel much themself.

Since Maudie lives in a very pretty little mountain town with no big airport, we had to drive the 2 1/2 hours from our home to the airport in Baltimore. We were excited. We were happy. We had a VERY early morning flight, so we got to the airport the night before, and stayed at a nice airport hotel. It was great.

But here's where the story turns into a drama!!!!!





Similar to my friend's airport nightmare, when I arrived to check in our luggage and get our boarding passes, they wouldn't let me on the plane! And I have to say, when they told me this, for just a second or two, I waited for them to laugh and say, "Ha Ha. Fooled you! Have a nice trip." But they never smiled. Dammit!

 Obviously the know-it-all who had told me it was fine to just show them my birth certificate didn't quite KNOW IT ALL.

 There was no way I couldn't get on that stinkin plane. I could see the kids' eyes begin to fill with tears. And, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack! I was in a very real panic! My 8-hour deodorant was in danger of only lasting 30 minutes!

The airport folks felt sorry for me, so they kept giving me some helpful suggestions, such as, "You can drive home, get your other documentation, and catch a later flight." Good God, our all-inclusive room was waiting for us NOW! My poolside chair was waiting for me NOW! All that cold Corona was waiting for me NOW!

Finally, one of the nice airport ladies (And they really were nice. They were just doing their jobs. Hell, I guess I COULD have been a terrorist. Yep, traveling with two teenaged kids who were about to cry/kill me...you can choose one of those options....and who was sweating like a pig and about to faint. Yep, I'm sure terrorists try that ploy to get on planes all the time). Um, where was I? Oh yeah...one of the nice airport ladies told me that if I had my voter's registration card with me, that would get me on the plane to Mexico.




Now who the hell knows where they keep their voter's registration card anyway? I knew I had one, somewhere, at some point in life, but if someone would've told me I was going to be thrown into a firey pit unless I produced that stinkin card, I'd be a crispy critter. I looked at the nice lady and just wanted to break into a fit of laughter. Crazy, wild laughter that would've sounded like I needed a straight-jacket and some medication!
But... just like a drowning person, reaching for anything that floats, I began to dig around in my wallet and in my checkbook (and why I even had my checkbook with me for this trip is something I can't explain).

 Finally, I grabbed a tiny stack of unknow crap that was tucked behind the check register thingy in my checkbook. It consisted of an old unused band-aid, an ancient stick of Doublemint gum...and MY FREAKIN VOTERS REGISTRATION CARD!




So...
We got on the plane and headed to Cancun!
Now. That COULD be the end of the story. HOWEVER......

once we got there, much more, funny and strange crap happened to us throughout the week. But that's for another blog post sometime. Stay tuned!
;-)