Monday, March 25, 2013

Snow is a Four-Letter Word

(This is what happens when Maudie, and friends, drink wine on snowy days.....)
 
 
SNOW...Sitting here on the page all alone, that word looks pretty harmless to Maudie.

But put it into the right kind of sentence and, for many people, it's one of the scariest four-letter words in the English language. Don't believe me? Try this little experiment the next time you're with a group of people.

Smile and say, "Snow is really pretty".

Most will agree with you.

Now try this; Smile and say, "I heard it's going to snow tonight."

You will now have the full attention of everyone around you. I promise.

Finally, smile and say, "They're calling for over a foot of snow tonight."

You won't have anyone's attention now. This will be due to the fact that everyone you were standing with is either running to their car or to the nearest TV to check out the weather radar.

That word is one of the most powerful words in the English language. It has the power to snarl traffic. It has the power to create long lines at gas station pumps. It has the power to cause women, who love pretty shoes, to don the most ugly boots and even uglier coats. It has the power to close schools and businesses.

It even has the power compell us to rush, like maniacs, to the nearest store, desperate to buy the three all-important, life-saving, items that MUST be stock-piled before we get snow....or the Zombie Appocolypse happens: Bread, Milk and Toilet Paper!

Maudie buys wine instead of the milk. I know.....shocker!

The groundhog forecast an eary Spring this year. Poor little creature. Maudie is in the process of searching for a nice, hearty groundhog stew recipe.



Please be safe out there in this nasty S$!@. That's snow in Maudie-speak.

With love dear readers,

Maudie

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Feast and Sit and You'll Get Fit?

I, the Maude-ster, am a busy person. I'm sure you are too. Time is a valuable commodity, so I always look for ways to simplify things and help me spend my free time (I think I have an hour of that coming up in Mid-July!). In other words, Maudie needs a miracle!

If I believed everything I read, time-saving, money-saving miracles are easily found. Every day I receive several "miracle offers" in my mailbox and my e-mail. If they're all bona fide miracles, they'd make life pretty easy.

One of my fav "miracle offers" states, "Double your paycheck without leaving your home."

Wowza! Maudie would love to double her paycheck! Who wouldn't? I haven't investigated this offer. It sounds really good, but I'm afraid it may involve some sort of indoor plant-growing for a Colombian drug cartel, gun-running, or a similar illegal work-at-home industry. I've decided to let this "miracle offer" pass me by. Call it a hunch, but I just don't think the offer's legit. Their web site, www.stolenarmybazookas4sale.com, was pretty interesting though......



Two more "miracle offers" that I recently reviewed said, "Get fit while you sit," and "Get a workout without getting out of your chair."

Now you're talkin Maudie's language! Don't those sound just peachy? I wouldn't have to drive to the gym and spend hours on the treadmill anymore. (I do that....in my mind I do that. Honest.).



 I could just drag my out of shape hinney to the car each morning, drive the two to four hours I spend in my daily work travels, and come home each day with a toned body that would make Dita Von Teese jealous. If you don't know who Dita is, just Google the gal. I doubt she got that body by driving back and forth from work.

But really readers, unless I'm going to be power-lifting my compact car while I sit in a chair, I just don't see how those offers can be serious.



Another neat sounding "miracle offer" claims, "Burn fat while eating anything you want!"

Jackpot! That one got my complete attention. I smiled as I imagined myself relaxing in a nice chair (getting fit, of course, while doing so), as I ate massive quantities of Hershey bars, Grandma Utz chips, and bakery goods that come from Maudie's lil ole downtown-hometown bakery. Could this offer be true? I'm not really going to try it. It sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. I can imagine myself eating and eating as I sit and sit.
Eat, eat....sit, sit.
Sit, sit....eat, eat.
Bloat, bloat....enlarge, enlarge.
Call the local volunteer fire department to bring over the jaws of life to extract Maudie from her chair!



Folks, the only time Maudie has truly ever burned fat while relaxing was last summer, as I sat, reading a lovely book, on my veranda, and forgot about the steaks burning on the grill.

Have you ever found a super silly "miracle offer" that claims to get you fit, thin, or rich? If you care to share with Maudie and her lovely readers that would be...well...lovely! (yes dears...all of my readers are lovely, handsome and smart as hell. It's a miracle offer from Maudie. You read my blog...and it just happens to ya!)

Have a happy Hump Day (Oh deary me. That always makes Maudie blush a bit, but she likes the sound of it anyway.) and also a happy first day of Spring. I think I'll celebrate with a wee bit of wine. Who would've guessed?




Love and kisses and wine corks to you all,

Maudie

Congrats Kathy MacDonald Stafford - You won the fan!

Maudie will be in touch to arrange getting your pretty new Springtime-lookin' fan to you!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Happy St. Patty's Day Giveaway! Sober Up And Enter!

Hello dear, sweet readers! Are ye wearing a bit o' the green today? If you were among the thousands who were on a pub crawl yesterday in Maudie-land, you may be lookin' a bit o' the green today. More on the wonders of the pub crawl will be posted tomorrow. It was fun!






Today, Maudie wanted to do a we bit o' a giveaway.



Since I'm sure none of you wants my dirty laundry (the literal kind, not the juicy gossipy kind), I've chosen a tiny little something that reminds me of day's gone by. Lot's and lots of days gone by. Ok...say the Victorian era. Today's giveaway will be for a lovely reproduction of a Victorian paper fan greeting. It will come pristine and sealed and in new condition. It IS new!! It just looks like the old original. It's very pretty. I didn't think you'd want me to give away something butt ugly, after all.

Here is a photo of said fan:

It's about 15 inches long and 12 inches tall. Those are approximate measurements since the fan is in a box in Maudie's artsy fartsy room, and Maudie is currently seated at her lovely desk typing this and is too tired/lazy (choose one) to get up and go measure said fan.

You will like it. It's really pretty. It's free if you are the winner. So...do you really care about the dimensions?

To enter, just share this post on your Facebook Page, and also leave a little message at the end of this post, telling Maudie what you like best about St. Patrick's Day. Easy, right? Be careful to not slur your typing too much. ;-)

 Maudie will randomly select one lucky winner tomorrow (Monday). 
So, put down your green beer, your glass of Jamison's, your bowl of Irish Stew, or stop dancing a gig and come down off the top of that bar and enter by sharing this post now. 




As always, Maudie sends you best wishes, and hopes you drink sensibly.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Even The Road Warrior Would Tremble in Fear

Happy Friday to one and all!

The sun's shining but the wind is blowing like a $@!*& (please fill in those symbols with your favorite nasty phrase...like "oh shoot!") Since this is "garbage day," I just had some fabulous fun running outside to chase down the trash can that was rolling down the street, in the wind. I just love doing that. It's so invigorating and gives your cheeks a rosey glow.

As I was stumbling down the street, in pursuit of said trash can, a car rode past me. It was filled with small children. Such sweet faces! They were all singing, or yelling, or screaming. Let's just say, they all had their mouths open, making some sort of noise. The lady driving the car looked a little....er...no, let's make that...looked a LOT stressed. She shot me a unfriendly look and my first thought wasn't, "Gee lady, you look like you need to eat more fiber." My first thought was, "Gee lady, you remind me of a time when I was driving a car with small kids in it. It's a kind of parenting road rage syndrome.

You hear about it all the time. Anger is unleashed in a moving vehicle, drivers are distracted and folks lose their tempers. It's ....... drum roll please....ROAD RAGE!
The name is descriptive and scary. But the fact is that no matter what you call it, there's nothing new about road rage. Ever since children began to ride in vehicles with their parents there has been something like road rage. Just ask anyone who's ever been a parent, or for that matter, anyone who's transported kids in a vehicle. School bus drivers are veterans and daily victims of mass road rage occurances. Maudie's bonnet is off to those brave men and women!

Road rage usually involves adults who brandish weapons or fists and become violent because of some sort of angry incident. Kiddie-style road rage is far more wiley and insidious. It can strike at any time and has many forms.

Who's going to sit in the front seat" road rage:

This rage occurs when you transport more than one child. It doesn't matter that they know they're safer in the back seat. If car manufacturers want kids in the back seat, they need to build a car with radio and CD controls back there. A video game screen and refrigerator would also make sitting back there more attractive to kids.

"I can yell louder than you can yell" road rage:

I'd recommend wearing ear-plugs to combat this sort of rage, but then you couldn't hear sirens and emergency vehicles. The only thing I found to conquer this type of rage was tossing food at the kids.

"We can't agree on where we want to eat" rage:

You're traveling and you're hungry and you want food. The kids are also hungry and want food. The problem is that one likes a certain burger joint and the other likes another burger joint. They can't agree and they won't agree. I found that threatening to just go home and cook for my kids helped them to quickly agree on a restaurant. Just tell them you plan to cook liver and onions. It worked for me every time!

"Who gets to hold the bag of food on the ride home from the fast-food restaurant" rage:

The only cure for this form of rage is to get each kid their own bag of food or....just rapidly and continuously throw handfulls of French fries at them while you drive.

"What music do we listen to?" rage:

Forget about talk-radio or listening to any music you may enjoy when the kids are passengers. Just pray they can agree on anything...and pop in the earplugs. Yeah, I know I told you not to wear those things because you can't hear sirens. Use your side and rearview mirrors and look for flashing lights. Trust me. You WILL need the earplugs.

"What CD do we listen to?" rage:

If each child doesn't have an Iphone, Ipod, or some similar thingy with earphones....well. I'm sorry. Go get one for each of them. I mean it. Get them anything that has earphones and that allows them to listen to their own damned CD music. Unless you want to drive across town...or across country listening to The Wiggles, Miley Sirus, Video Game Theme Songs, or Rap,.... OVER AND OVER AND OVER.... buy them the freakin ear phones and a musical device! You'll thank me for this advice!

"He or she touched/looked at me/breathed some of my quota of air" rage:

Don't bother buying a van or large SUV thinking this will prevent this sort of rage. It won't. If kids want to antagonize each other they'll find a way. Your only hope with this one is to distract them somehow. I found that dealing with "radio station rage" was preferable to trying to deal with "touch/look/breath rage." Try programing your radio to an opera station and threaten them with playing that music. Use as needed. All's fair folks!

Rage is really a childish emotion, so kids are experts at it. They don't need a car to leap into the rage mentality. The next time you're in the grocery store see if you can spot kids exhibiting "check-out line rage." You may also recognize "I want in/out of the cart rage," "I want a candy bar from the check-out display rage,""I want to hand the coupons to the clerk rage," and the ever popular "I can bag the groceries all by myself rage." After "check-out line rage" subsides, it's usually followed by "who's going to sit in the front seat rage." And so it goes....

I used to have two weapons in my car most of the time. They were primed and ready to go off without notice. They inflicted pain that is long-lasting and could slowly drive you nuts. They were called CHILDREN. By the time they grew old enough to have their own cars, I was almost immune to their diabolical road rage torture. You may not be so lucky! Beware!

Have a Friday filled with fun, love, sunshine..and don't forget a beer or cocktail too,

Maudie <3

P.S. Watch for tomorrow's blog post. I feel like doing a give-away for my lovely readers. And no....it's not my kids. They're grown now. ;-)












Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm Baaaack (Alternate Title: Writing and Wine are Cheaper than Therapy)

Howdy do dear readers! I know I've been gone from the Blog-es-sphere (I may have just created my own word....or universe. Cool!). I'm sorry. You may not be sorry I was gone, but I am. You see, I love to write. It's like an addiction for me. I HAVE to write. Gotta. Must. Need to. While I wasn't writing on this blog, I was still writing. Writing all the time. I was writing lists of things I should do. I was writing letters and notes to friends. But, mostly, I was writing things on Facebook.

I love Facebook. I like to write on Facebook. The only problem with writing on Facebook is; it's a "fleeting" king of writing. Here one second - gone the next. Right?

Well, anyway, I finally decided to cut back on the fleeting writing stuff and to get back to what I love most; the type of writing that actually matters to me. The funny stuff that makes me go, "Um, er, hmm, what the hey?!" So, dear readers, I redecorated my writing area (I really didn't need to do that in order to write again, but it gave me a damned good excuse to have fun with nick-knacks. (Gee...why isn't there a K in the front of nick in the word "nick-knacks?" Sorry...the mind is drifting.

So anyway, dear readers (and I really need to work on a name to call all of you, rather than dear readers. I mean, come on Maudie. You can be more creative than that, can't you? You put the word "creative" in your blog title. I'll work on thinking up a better name for y'all. My friends Chardonnay and Pino Grigio will assist me at a later time. ;-)

So without further ado, or poo poo....let the new blog posts begin.

With much love, hugs and a ton of new writing ideas (I stopped writing, but I continued to live out this zanny life), keep reading you sweet folks,

Maudie