Shopping for Swimsuits: A Horror Story!
Spring is here and the days are getting warmer. I love it! Even though it means I'll have to do the most horrific task that faces me every year. Yes dear reader, I'm talking about shopping for a new bathing suit!
Last year's suits seem to have either lost some of their stretching ability, or parts of my body have mysteriously shrunk during the winter months. My money's on the former reason, since there's no way I could be lucky enough to be smaller. Darn it!
If the suits still fit, they're snagged, faded or just don't fall into my current fashion taste any longer. One suit has even lost the top left side of its optional "figure enhancing features" which, for me, are truly not optional!
So, with a heavy heart and high hopes, I trudge off to a shopping mall to try to locate a swim suit that will look great but will also cover all manner of body flaws. This should be easy, right?
I enter a store and find the swim suit section. The colors and patterns of the suits are truly breathtaking. The first one I try on does just that. It takes my breath away!
Not because of it's fabulous fit, but because it's so tight it constricts my breathing! I check the tag and read that this suit has something called "power net" in it. I'm thinking maybe that's the kind of netting used to capture whales.
The tag states this "power net" stuff is designed to smooth and reduce lumps and reduce bulges. I have to admit my tummy looks smooth, but my eyes are bulging because I'm so packed into this suit. I may need the paramedics to bring the Jaws of Life to cut me out of it. After wresting it off, I feel sure I know how a dolphin feels when it becomes caught in a tuna net.
My next attempt is a lovely suit with embroidery and a bit of beading on it. It also features elaborate beading on the shoulder straps. As I slip into it, I silently pray this gorgeous suit fits.
Oh goodie! It fits perfectly!
However, as I flip my head around to look into the dressing room mirror, I find I've gotten my hair tangled in the beading.
"Do you need anything in there?" chirps the salesgirl from outside the dressingroom door.
"Uh, no thanks," I lie.
I doubt she can bring in David Copperfield or a chainsaw to help me escape the killer suit that's becoming more and more entangled in my hair.
Ten minutes later, I emerge from the dressingroom. The left side of my heads looks like it's been sucked into a jet engine.
The next suit I try makes me look like a refugee from Circus World. I'm sure it must include a clown nose.
Another suit looks wonderful on my body...until I turn around and look into the mirror and get a gander of the backview.
EGAD! Where did the backside of this suit go?
Did the designer forget that women tend to have behinds?
Did the recent war create a sudden shortage of bubble-gum pink Spandex?
As my search for the perfect swim suit continues, I encounter suits that make me look like a harem girl from Hell, Mother-Of-Two-Barbie, a fruit salad, and my grandmother.
Unfortunately, none of these as the fashion statement I want to make.
My final stop is a department store known for it's great fashions and friendly salespeople.
"Help?" I whimper quietly as I approach a salesgirl.
"What can I help you with," she asks.
"Bathing suit, ....can't,....find,.....nice,.....fit,....help,....me," I sob.
"Oh now, I think we can find something for you," the salesgirl says in a reassuring voice.
She guides me to a dressing rooom and hands me a giant box of Kleenex. Ten minutes later, she's presented me with a dozen candidates for bathing suit of the year. As I try each one on, my mood brightens. These aren't so bad! In fact, a few of them are downright great!
After hugging the salesgirl until I hear one of her ribs crack, I skip out of the store with three....yes three, new bathing suits! I'm a very happy gal.
When I get home, my lovely daughter asks to see my new purchases. As I model each of them, she remains very silent. Finally, I ask, "Honey, what do you think of them?"
"They're alright Mom," she says, "but you've bought the same style as your old suits. Why don't you ever buy a two-piece suit?"
"Sweetheart, your mom's days of wearing a two-piece suit ended when I became a mom," I state. "Besides, if you think the shark in the movie Jaws cleared a beach fast, just imagine if your mom came out of the water with her waffle-iron tummy and cellulite hips! ARGH!
"Oh, that's right," says my dear daughter. "I'm sorry Mom."
"Sorry, are you nuts? I'd take this mom bod over a model-perfect bod any day. It was well, well worth it," I say as I smile at her.
And, I mean it!
I'm sure my new bathing suit was designed by a mother who was very fashion savy. it covers everything I want covered, but still looks great. I just wish it had a tiny bit more of that wonderful "optional figure-enhancing" material in the chest area. You just can't have too much of that amazing stuff!