Maudie Hits the Road

Recently, I decided to take my cute little sports car, the Babe Tran, out for a winter drive. Hey, the sun was shining and although I couldn't put the top down without freezing my arse off, the little car wanted to go zoom, zoom, zoom!

As I was racing along the interstate, avoiding state troopers and trying to look stylish, with my LuLu Guiness sun specs propped on my nose, I noticed something strange.

Yes dear reader, other than the numerous trucks with gun-racks in this area of the state, all driven by males named "Tank," or "Bud" or ...who cares, I began to notice all the strange crapola that seems to be along the side of the highway.

Along with the expected cute-but-dead woodland creatures, the shoulders of our roadways seem to be littered with......SHOES!

What the hell is that all about?

I'm serious when I say I couldn't drive more than 10 miles without seeing a lone shoe beside the road. It looked like some sort of bizarre discarded-shoe epidemic.

If any form of clothing was going to litter our highways, you'd think it would be head-gear. I've seen hats and visors along roads, but their numbers pale in comparison to the number of shoes I see.

Honestly, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect to see things like scarves, wigs and toupees along the roadside rather than all those freakin shoes! I can imagine driving along with the window down and a strong gust of wind could blow your sunglasses off. A tiny cloth handbag could go sailing out of my convertible. A breeze could whip that jacket right off the passenger seat and send it on a journey out the car window.

But, how do so many shoes end up lying along the road?

I've been driving for insert large number here years, and I have yet to lose a shoe while zipping down the road. I don't recall ever being warned about potential shoe-loss when I took driver's ed.

Maybe the Motor Vehicle Administration just doesn't want to start a panic? God knows we have enough to worry about when driving without fretting about the chance that, at any second, one of our shoes may, somehow, drop off our foot and go flying out the window!

So, how do those shoes get out of the cars?

The logical theory would be that they're purposely tossed there. But why would this happen? Couldn't the driver wait? Were the shoes really so stinkin that they had to be thrown, like a ticking time-bomb, out the car window? And, I've worn shoes that have hurt like hell, and I still wasn't inspired to take them off and hurl them onto the highway. A few old boyfriends might have gotten ejected, sure, had they fit through the windows. But shoes? Absolutely not! I can't think of any reason I'd toss a shoe from my car.

What could the actual "shoe tossers" be thinking?

"Dear Coach,

I'm sorry I can't make the championship game tonight because I've lost one of my shoes while driving to the stadium."

"Dear Mrs. Magillacudy,

Please excuse Bertha from participating in phys ed class. While on her way to school, she was airing out one of her stinky shoes and it fell from her hand and was lost, forever, along the highway."

"To my boss,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to work today due to the fact that my shoe fell off as I was dangling my left leg out the car window while I was driving along I-70."

"Dear John,

Although I love you with all my heart, it pains me to tell you I won't be at the church today for our wedding. I tried to speed the drying time of my newly-polished toenails by hanging my feet out the limousine window. Tragically, one of my shoes fell off, thus ruining our plans to spend the rest of our lives together."

Seriously though, I've decided to take note of the various styles of shoes discarded along our highways. I'm happy to report that my findings indicate you need not fear losing a shoe while in transit unless you wear lace-up shoes!

And, even though I'm relieved to know I won't have to duct-tape my newest pair of high heels onto my feet to prevent them from whizzing out the car window, I'm still a little confused.

How can a shoe that laces onto your foot come off so easily and end up along a road? I'd expect slippers to be the footwear-of-choice along highways. My lace-up shoes are the toughest ones for me to get off my feet. I could probably glob Crisco inside those damned things and still struggle to get them off.

I don't understand.

Anyway, the next time you go for a drive, enjoy the ride, but take note of all those shoes scattered along the way. And...if you find any nice size 8.5 Nikes (white with cute pink stripes) let me know. I need a leftie to match the right one I found along I-68 last weekend.