Silly Things Maudie Sees

Being a self-proclaimed TV channel surfer, I click my way from show to show. I stop if I see something interesting, but sometimes I end up watching something that's just too silly to ignore. A lot of shows fall into that category, but in my opinion, there are some that have really stood out over the years. And yes, these were real shows. Well, at least they were really shown on TV at least one time.

"The World's Worst Drivers"

I wish this show would include the lady who decided to give me a nasty hand gesture and refused to lower her window when I tried to tell her she had a gallon of milk on the roof of her car. Yes, I mean you, you nasty battle-ax! I was trying to be helpful. I hope your windshield washer fluid was full.

"Scariest Places on Earth"

Dear God! When was a TV crew in my son's bedroom? There are things in there that could probably qualify as new lifeforms! He has what I lovingly call the "mulch pit" that consists of clothing, books, games, old school papers and anything else that hasn't grown legs and walked away. It was far worse when he was younger. I had to do a headcount anytime he had friends over to spend the night. I'd have hated to lose someone's kid in there. Although....there probably was enough food debris lying around that room to feed one of the tribes on "Survivor" for a few days.

Maybe the "Scariest Places on Earth" film crew should visit the mall and be just outside the dressing room while I try on bathing suits? That's always one of my scariest places each Spring.

Or how about a waxing palor? Those places scare the beegeebees out of me! I haven't heard of anyone dying from having hair waxed off...but I came close once. I still have nightmares and flashbacks!

"Temptation Island"

Tempted by a big, handsome, hunky, macho man with wash-board abs and a gorgeous smile? Come on now! Get real! Do you think that really tempts a lot of smart women? That guy probably leaves the toilet seat up and can't figure out why his dirty laundry needs to go into the hamper and not beside the hamper. We've all known guys like that who have trouble making sense of a Value Meal menu.

Show me a man who can iron clothes and loves it and I'll be tempted! If he cooks too, shares the TV remote and doesn't think that "duh" is a real word, he's going to have to move to an island to keep from being torn apart by admiring ladies!

Heck, if the producers want a real Temptation Island, put a dieting woman, like me, on an island and wheel out a cart full of Hershey's Kisses, potato chips, and Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream. Challenge me to resist. Offer me a million bucks if I can resist. Offer me two million bucks if I can resist. Just bet on me coming off that island with the same bank balance that I have now, a big smile and even bigger hips!

Or air-drop me into the middle of the world's best clearance sale give me a credit card and a challenge not to go over the spending limit. Now that's temptation baby! If it's a shoe sale, it's going to be a one-episode show.

"When Cars Attack" (In Mexico, this show is called "When Burritos Attack")

This show was only on once. I wonder why. The title tells you exactly what the show was about: cars attacking! No folks, not about drivers attacking people with their cars. This gem was about cars that have a mind of their own and are naughty without a driver. Ever read Stephen King's novel, "Christine?" Well, you imagine how nutsy this show seemed to me as I watched it. I kept waiting for the punch line. The producers could NOT be serious about this, I thought. But ...they were!

I was shown videos of cars drifting downhill, sliding on ice, smashing into things, and accelerating when they shouldn't. A surveillance video from a mall parking lot was shown to convince us that cars like to change parking spaces while we shop. This explains why I can't find my car sometimes when I leave happy hour. And here I was, blaming those martinis!

The show's narrator explained that all of this weird car behavior was because the cars have been mistreated or neglected. This show stands out as one of the silliest things I've ever watched on TV.

I'm actually trying to cut back on my TV viewing. I plan to use the extra time to wash and wax my car. It hasn't been very happy lately.  ;-)


Who the heck has perfect children? I don't, do you?

If you just answered, "Yes, my kids are perfect," you've either been sniffing your Glade Plug-ins too much, your kids are actually robots, or...the folks from Happy Acres will be coming to pick you up, give you a nice ride and let you wear a neat white jacket with sleeves shaped like a pretzel.

Every parent has high hopes and expectations for their children. That's as it should be. But over the years, I've run into more than a few parents who amaze me in their push to get Junior to be the best of the best.

It's almost some sort of sickness!

It's probably been given a name by sociologists, but I have my own name for it. I like to call it "Competitive Parent Syndrome." I call it that because the parents who seem to knock themselves out trying to raise kids that are....well, just better than all other kids, are really parents who need attention themselves.

They're parents who probably were considered nerds, wallflowers, or less-than-popular when they were kids and they now see a chance to re-live their childhood by pushing their kids to be what they, themselves never could be.

Kinda sad, isn't it?

But you have to admit it, you've run into parents like this at least once in your lifetime. If you're a parent, you've probably run into quite a few parents like this!

Competitive Parent Syndrome is a favorite topic of mine and I'm sure I could write quite a few posts about it, but let's look into the way this syndrome can begin.

Sometimes Competitive Parent Syndrome starts before the silly parent even IS a parent! You've heard of soon-to-be parents who try to give their kid a head-start on being perfect long before the kid is born.

I've known expectant mothers who claimed to read Shakespeare and play classical music to their tummies when they were pregnant. I'm sorry folks, but submerge your head in a sink full of water and try to make sense of classical music or great literature. It's going to be pretty bad. 

I happen to love Shakespeare, but what if reading his literature to your yet-to-be-born baby resulted in some serious troubles for the little tike?

Just picture Junior, the Shakespeare kid, boarding the school bus on his first day of school.

"Gallop apace, you fiery-footed bus-driver, thou sober-suited matron," he'd say as he smiled up at the female bus-driver. The poor driver would have to pick her chin up off the floor.

Once Junior arrived at school, he'd meet his new teacher and classmates.

"Thou wilt be thy wondrous teacher. And these impatient children hath new robes and garb. Oh the joyous day that finds me thus!"

After his teacher managed to un-cross her eyes and calm the other students down, she'd escort Junior to the principal's office to try to make sense of what he was saying. Junior would be confused and upset.

"What devil are thou, that dost torment me thus? These griefs, these woes, these sorrows make me old. Thy mother is requested! Thy mother is requested! I WANT MY MOMMY!"

Poor kid.

Ladies, don't read Shakespeare to your tummy if you're pregnant. Don't play recordings of nature sounds either.

Once, an expectant mother told me she played recordings of whale sounds all the time to her tummy. Why? Darned if I know! I really don't think this mother was doing her soon-to-be-born kid any favor.

News Flash...

Whale sounds only make sense to other whales!

Unless that dame was planning to give birth to The Little Mermaid, I just don't get it. Now her poor kid is going to grow up making high-pitched squealing sounds while begging for mackerel and sardines all the time. She's also going to be the kid who pees in everyone's swimming pool.

I have to admit something. When I was expecting one of my children, I occassionally rubbed my tummy and talked lovingly to it, as if my child could hear me. I rubbed my tummy at the spot I believed to baby's head was located. When I told my doctor I was doing this, he informed me my child's head was not located in that spot.

I'd been rubbing and chatting with my baby's rear-end.

I don't know if this pre-birth bottom massage had any effect on my child, but this particular kid sure does spend a lot of time reading in the bathroom!

If you can shape your baby's personality and habits before they're actually born, I haven't seen any real evidence of it.

The music that I listened to while I was pregnant is now the music my kids complain about. I watched a lot of Sylvester Stallone movies back when I was pregnant, and fortunately, neither of my kids use "Yo," "Duh," "Grr," or other Stallone grunts in their conversations.

But, you know, now that I think about it, they do tend to run up the stairs all the time, and they jump up and down a lot. They fight with each other too.
Gee, maybe when I was pregnant, I should've read to my tummy the instructions for changing the kitty litter pan?

I spent a large part of the last few days pondering one of my favorite subjects: human behavior. I've been reflecting on how human beings interact with each other. This train of thought began because one of my friends was treated quite rudely by a rather boorish male lunkhead. Please don't think I'm about to "male bash" here. I'm not! I think you guys are just peachy. I just don't like "lunkheads!"

I know there are tons of boorish female lunkheads out there too. In fact, being a lunkhead knows no barrier! But, if there was a product on the market named "Lunkhead Barrier" I'm sure it would be a top seller! I'd stock cases of the stuff.

Anyway, back to my story....

My friend was disturbed by her lunkhead experience and told me she was going to create a personality survey which could, perhaps, prevent any future dealings with lunkheads.

I, personally, wouldn't require anyone to fill out a survey about their personality before getting to know them. An exam to determie mental stability, maybe, but not a survey.

Anyway, back to my story... again...

After I stopped laughing at my pal and managed to close my jaw when I realized she was dead-serious about her survey, I asked for a few sample questions from the thing.

My friend's questions are listed below and underlined. I've also added my own, alternative versions of each of her questions.

Are you in good health?

My suggested questions for this one:

Do you have a pulse?

 Do you have your own teeth, and, if so, are there more than 5 of them?

If we go to dinner, will I be required to cut your steak, puree it, and then feed it to you with a spoon?

What hobbies do you enjoy?

My suggested questions for this one:

Have you ever used your gardening shovel to bury anything other than roots in your yard?

Would you consider boogers under a desk a "collection?"

You'd never think of going fishing without:

A. a fishing pole

 B. bait

C. A beer truck and 3 topless dancers.

What are your spiritual beliefs?

My suggested questions for this one:

Do you regularly burn anything in your backyard other than the occasional steak on the grill or leaves?

Do you sunburn easily? By this, I mean, do you turn a bit red, or do you immediately begin to blister, smoke and have your body disintegrate within minutes?

Does your home decor include any shrunken heads?

Does a full moon make you think of romance, or does it inspire you to howl and scratch at your neck with your right foot?

How much time do you spend in the bathroom, showering, and styling your hair?

My suggested questions for this one:

Do you always make it to the bathroom when nature calls?

 Do you shower?

Can you tell me what deodorant is used for?

When you stand in front of a mirror, can you see your reflection?

Do you have hair on your head ? (Hair growing out of your ears and nose doesn't count).

What is your favorite food?

My suggested questions for this one:

Are you overly fond of alfalfa sprouts and bean curd?

 Do you consider rattlesnake "the other white meat?"

 Do you have unlimited access to Hershey bars?

Which of these is your favorite cartoon character: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, or Elmer Fudd?

My suggested questions for this one:

Are you whitty and bright as Bugs Bunny?

Can you be as silly as Daffy Duck?

Do you look like Elmer Fudd?

Do you like to travel and enjoy other cultures?

My suggested questions for this one:

Have any of your vacations included a stay at a nudist colony?

Do you think the Outback Steakhouse is a foreign country?

You HAVE stepped outside of your house at least once in the past year, haven't you?

What is the title of the last book you've read? Coloring books don't count.

My suggested questions for this one:

You do realize the "The Enquirer" is not a book, ... right?

Can you compare the plots of "The Pokey Little Puppy" and "Hamlet" and list the similarities and differences?

You CAN read, can't you? Hello? Do you understand this survery at all? Can you read? Yoo Hoo? OK...drop the crayon and move away from the survey Sparky!

Seriously though, (and God how I dislike being serious!) I don't think a survey will keep any of us from encountering an occassional lunkhead in our lives. I think good ol' common sense is probably our best defense. That, and some pepper spray in our purse.

And...speaking of common sense. That reminds me of something I once saw on TV...on a reality show named "Bachelorettes in Alaska." It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I was hooked!

At one point during the show, four very large men (or maybe a Bigfoot tribe) competed to see who could hit a small target by tossing a large ax. The winner of this competition then got to choose one of the "bachelorettes." (I prefer to call them "moronettes."). He then got to take her on a date!

I dunno. Maybe it's just me.....BUT....let me think about this....

The very LARGE mountain man can accurately throw an ax, he's going to, then,  date one of the "moronettes," they're in a very remote part of Alaska where there's snow everywhere, and they're staying at a rather large, isolated lodge.

Am I the only person who saw "The Shining?"

What the.....????????

Anyway, that show proved my point. Lunkheads come in all shapes, sizes, sexes and are definitley NOT an endangered species!